dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
