so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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