At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
