So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
