When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
My hand turned me down
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
