Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
