You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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