Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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