3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
