I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
