Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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