ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
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i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
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Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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