Little spoons don't ask big questions
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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