I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
