dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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