If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
