The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
