the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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