false alarm. still invincible.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
