If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
