I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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