Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
