I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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