so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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