i need an iv and a liver transplant
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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