So drunk its hurt
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
