I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
what is it with giant penises always finding me
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
