this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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