So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
