We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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