Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
