My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
