I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
