He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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