i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
