I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
