At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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