Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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