when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
