Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
