Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
