They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
