I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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