I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
