Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
