FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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