taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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