Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
