The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
we're so committed to being not committed
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
