woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
