forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
