I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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