i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
