so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
