The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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