I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
