went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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